Summertime Sadness
by Calla Mae
Summary: Jesse's sister, Julie, finds herself a pawn in Walt and Jesse's arrangement with Gustavo Fring; the event in which left Gus fascinated by her. But what happened in those months that ended in Gus leaving her a small part of his fortune, and in her broken heart? How much did he care about her, if he cared about her at all? Gus/OC
1. Chapter 1

_I can't tell you my name. I probably shouldn't be telling you any of this. But I'm always doing what I'm not supposed to, I always fuck up in the end. This isn't even about me it's about my sister – I'm not telling you her name either. Her whole life was about me. Don't get me wrong I'm no one special, that's just the way it turned out for her. My parents were always up my ass in high school about grades and drugs, you know stupid shit that didn't even matter. They were so busy worrying about me they forgot to worry about her, she kind of just disappeared in the background. She called them her wallflower days, because even when our parents looked right at her they were never really seeing her. There was this tree limb she painted on her wall with these little white flowers on the branches. I drew this bird and helped her paint it – our parents weren't even mad when they saw us cause we were just standing there making it look nice. When we finally turned around they said, that's really nice of you to paint her room Jesse it's beautiful. All I did was the bird, but they walked away before I could tell them. _

_But none of that's the point. The point is it was good for a while, it was me and her – and this other guy. I don't know if was him or me, maybe it was just both of us but things got real bad. And I kept her out of it for the most part, even when shit went down it never went back to her. Until suddenly it did. _

_I don't know how he found out about her, I don't know what he saw in her. And I don't mean anything bad about that, alright. Ain't nobody I know prettier than my sister. And she's smart, smarter than I ever was. I guess she's pretty nice too, most of the time she was just sad. He made her smile though. You know now that I think about it, I'm not sure if she was ever happier; at least until he died. I'm sure as hell not telling you his name, he's why we're hiding in the middle of fucking nowhere for the rest of our lives. _

…

"Yeah I'm coming," Jesse yelled after the third time his name was called. He sat staring at the same words that'd been there all day with nothing new written, as he thought of everything that had happened.

He released a breath at the feel of hands wrapping around his shoulders, taking with it all his frustration and stress leaving him calm and content as she rested her cheek on his head. "Still haven't written any more?" she asked him softly.

His only answer was a shrug, having been stuck since yesterday. It wasn't bad, he thought, as he reread what he had; if only he could figure out what to write next. "I don't know where to start," he admitted. He'd tried starting when they were kids, about how he was the only boy who let his sister play with them, or in high school when she'd done some of his homework – he even tried to start when he figured out how sad she really was, but he couldn't even think about the thin scars on her legs let alone write about them. Nothing he tried worked, he kept deleting everything; now he was just stuck. Her face was sad when he looked up at her to see her reading, and tired like she'd lived longer than her thirty years and was waiting for the hurting to end. "Do you miss him?" he asked. Jesse didn't say his name; after his death Mike had said Gus' name once to her, and at the sight of her broken face it was never said to her again.

"Sometimes," she whispered, her voice a broken breath as her eyes clung to every he that alluded to _him_ as though they might paint a picture of his face. Her heart clenched when the document suddenly disappeared, it took her a second before her breath caught up to her and she stood running a hand over her face. At the feel of cold metal against her skin she looked at the wedding ring on her hand and sighed trying to force the past out of her mind. "Who's the 'you' you keep talking to?"

"It's like a," he waved a hand trying to thinking of what he meant, "general you. You know, like I'm talking to the reader," he explained.

She nodded as though it made sense, even though the idea of writing any of it didn't make sense to her. "Are you thinking about publishing it, or just writing to write it?"

With a shrug he shook his head not really knowing why he wanted to write what happened to her; maybe so he'd actually figure out what did happen because she certainly didn't talk about it. "I kind of just wanna have something to do. It's boring out here." They rarely went anywhere except into town, which was small because they lived in a very rural part of the country.

He was right, they lived a very uneventful life – but there were people looking for her, or at least the two things Gustavo Fring had left her with, which meant only a limited number of people who actually knew their faces. It was why she didn't say anything about his story, it was something for him to do. "Well if the story's about me you could start with the day I came back," she offered as she made for the door. "That um, that crazy guy who said tight all the time,"

"Tuco," he laughed bitterly, giving her the name she didn't remember.

"Yeah," she said hearing a familiarity in it. "When he put you in the hospital, I guess that's really where I came in." She stood watching him nod as he thought, knowing that's where he'd start – nothing was important before that day, that day had been the start of everything. The only problem was that she couldn't decide if what it started was good. "Do it after dinner, we're all waiting for you."

Reluctantly he left the computer behind and followed her downstairs, smiling as he sat at the table with strange little family – it was the four of them, and the fifteen million dollars Gus had left to her.

* * *

_Six Years Ago_

Walt stared at Jesse; his ribs wrapped, his neck in a brace, an IV in his arm and wires sprouting from his chest connecting to the heart rate monitor that beeped unceasingly. This was his fault, and he'd make it right. "Does he have family coming?" Walt asked before he left.

"Yeah his sister flew down, she's talkin' to the doctor now. Jesse had her as that thing on the paper, the one that tells the doctors who to call if you come in."

"A medical contact," Walt said clarifying for the man what he was trying to say.

"Yeah that's it," Pete said nodding, his whole body seeming to bob with his head, "she's his medical contact. She called me yesterday after the doctor's called her asked what happened, told me to stay til she got here. That's what I'm doing."

Walt stood ready to leave, tendrils of a plan wrapping around his mind. "I didn't know he had a sister," he said quietly as he thought; a Miss Pinkman, he would've taught her Chemistry as well. It was almost vaguely familiar. He left the hospital room, Pete having given him Tuco's address, and nearly ran into the young woman rounding a corner. "I'm sorry," he said at the same time she apologized. There wasn't a better word for her than small; she was short, thin, and she looked fresh out of high school. Her eyes weren't as blue, the tip of her nose was rounder, the corners of her mouth tilted down in a soft frown – but there something in her face that reminded her of Jesse. And looking down at her then, he remembered her. "Julie Pinkman," he greeted.

She looked up surprised to find this particular man leaving Jesse's side; her brother hadn't liked him, and he hadn't really liked Jesse either. "Mr. White, how are you?"

"Oh," he started not sure what to say, "I'm good. How long's it been you must be Twenty, twenty-one?" he asked hoping not to be asked why he was there, he really had no good reason to give her.

"Twenty-four," she answered watching his brows raise in surprise. "Yeah I probably look exactly the same as when I graduated," she said hearing him chuckle before he broke off coughing. "You okay?" she asked. He sounded terrible, as though his lungs had melted and he was trying to cough them up.

He nodded brushing aside her concerns. "Yeah," he told her. "It was good seeing you again. It was quite the surprise to see a Pinkman taking the harder classes," he said smiling as he remembered how surprised he'd been to see her name that first year. "You always did so well until the final." It's what all the teachers had said; she got A's she rarely missed class she answered question, and then spring rolled around and suddenly she'd go days without coming in, her tests were always incomplete – but her homework was always done, her answers were right. She was a strange student. "Well I hope he gets to feeling better soon," he said moving around her. "It really is good to see you, I can't believe it's been so long."

She watched him hurry away wondering why he was there, knowing he'd skated around being asked – which really only made her more suspicious. "Hey Pete," she greeted moving around the curtain to stand by Jesse's bed.

"Here," he said jumping up and motioning to the chair.

Without taking her eyes off her brother she sat beside him listening to the dull beeping of his heart waves. It was almost calming, the machine lulling her gently, clearing her mind as she thought of why Jesse had gone to see a drug dealer. "Is that man working with Jesse?" she asked looking up at Pete; her brother wasn't exactly made for secrets, which meant both him and Badger probably knew.

Pete nodded emphatically, obviously on something – quite possibly on what he was telling her. "Yeah, his crystal's the bomb man."

She rolled her eyes as he continued; addicts had the subtly of hand grenades. But it answered her question, which only left her with several more – the biggest question of all being; why was Mr. White cooking meth with her brother?

* * *

**_I rewatched Breaking Bad and fell in love with Gus all over again, he's just such a great ambiguous character that I couldn't help myself. The story starts towards the end of 1x06, and she won't really have a lot to do with what happens from here until about season three so I'm hoping within the next two chapters to at least introduce Gus into the story. So I'll use these couple of chapters to flesh out Julie and show what her relationship is with the characters, and really delve into her relationship with Jesse_**.**_ Thank you very much for reading, and p_**_**lease tell me if you're interested in reading more.**_


	2. Chapter 2

Jesse sat slumped in the backseat as Julie drove them home, his head still swaying back and forth as he floated in the clouds. "You didn't have to come," he slurred. "I know you hate it here."

She tilted the rearview mirror down to look at him and caught his eye. Even his smile was crooked, half of his mouth showing his teeth while the other side just barely grinned – she couldn't help but smile back. "I just don't like the sun here," she told him. It was the reason she moved away, she couldn't stand the summer's in New Mexico – they suffocated her in thick heat leaving her locked in a dark room with a fan on hoping for cold. The only reason she'd come back was because the call scared the shit out of her; she barely remembered what all they'd told her only that it was serious enough they needed to check for internal bleeding and he'd stay overnight. Needless to say a man beating him up over meth was not what she'd expected to find.

It smelled weird. That was the first thing she thought as she helped Jesse limp into their Aunt's house. There was a stale odor that hung in the air, along with pot; an unpleasant smell she knew all too well. "I don't wanna stay here," he mumbled as she laid him down on the couch - not even bothering with the stairs when she knew he wouldn't make it.

"Why not, you've been living here for years?" she asked him not actually paying much attention to his drugged words as she draped a blanket over him.

He stared up at her trying to make her face stop spinning, but she kept moving. "It's haunted," he told her, feeling her hands under his head as she placed a pillow beneath it.

She was still then, staring down at him confused. "Who's haunting the house, Aunt Ginny?" she asked. It was a strange thing for him to say, even if he was high; for all she knew he didn't give ghosts much thought.

"No," he said shaking his head. "Emilio."

Her brows drew together as she thought of why he sounded familiar. "Why is Emilio haunting you?" She watched him shrug looking like he'd cry, knowing he probably would because he was like that when high. "I'll move you into the RV in the driveway when you've come down, alright," she told him running a hand through his hair.

He nodded pulling the blanket up to his chin wanting to lay his head on her chest as she sang; like she did when he was sick. "Krazy 8 too," he whispered. "I didn't wanna do it, Mr. White's the one that wanted everything. Now they're dead."

"What?" she asked him, her mind numbly stuck on the words 'they're dead,' because he wasn't possibly telling her what she thought he was. "Jesse," she yelled shaking him, but he only mumbled rolling further into the couch. She stood staring down at her brother wondering what she was supposed to do with that. Doing drugs was one thing, hell selling them was another – but murder, that was a new game entirely.

She'd take a shower, standing under the hot water in the place she always seemed to think the most, she'd have an answer when she got out. Except she didn't, she didn't even make it to the bathroom – she'd stopped in the hall and stood staring up at the hole where the bathtub was, the floorboards beneath her feet bending and creaking, wondering what exactly her brother had done.

…

"Thanks guys," she told Badger and Pete as they carried the mattress down the stairs and out of the house.

"It ain't a problem," Pete assured her, and it wasn't because she'd offered them free pizza.

Badger craned his neck to look at her from behind the mattress. "I almost said no when Skinny Pete called, but then he told me you needed help and I was like, no way little Jesse's back. You remember I called you that, cause you were like a little girl version of him?" he asked her laughing at something that wasn't as funny as he thought it was. "You don't really look like him anymore, you're real pretty."

It'd long since passed the days she'd found him funny, at one point she'd thought it was almost endearing; it just annoyed her now. Which was a shame, cause he was sweet. "Thanks Badger," she said mustering a tired smile.

"Hey," Jesse yelled rudely, "don't tell my sister she's pretty."

Badger sucked his teeth and cursed under his breath as he and Skinny Pete carried the mattress outside and into the RV. "I'm still mad at you," he told Jesse when they came back in and sat on the couch.

"Yeah well I'm still mad at you," Jesse retorted.

"Not as mad as I am at you."

Julie stood against the wall in the living room, her teeth aching from how hard her jaw was clenched as she listened to them yell about how much more 'madder' they were than the other. "I'm gonna go outside," she suddenly said before grabbing her purse and shutting the front door behind her. It wasn't until she'd fumbled a cigarette between her lips and lit it that she finally sighed, leaning against the wall in the shadow away from the sun slowly letting the tension release from her shoulders. She forgot how different her brother was when it wasn't just the two of them – he was normal then, he was her brother then – but when there was someone else he became this stupid drug addict she could only shake her head in dismay at.

Five minutes of fresh air and nicotine and she walked calmly back in the house, hearing their now quieter voices – she wasn't even gonna question how they were fine now, she honestly didn't care so long as they didn't yell. "Yo, the house looks real nice, Julie," Pete told her before she'd even put her purse down.

She looked at Jesse to see his guilty smile, knowing he'd told them to say it. "Thank you." It was another reason she was so tired, other than the different time zone, she'd spent much of yesterday and that morning picking up trash and scrubbing dirt – she'd taken one look at the basement before marching back up the stairs refusing to touch it. "If you're gonna sell a house it should at least be clean."

"You're selling the house?" Badger asked sounding almost hurt.

Julie waited for Jesse to give them the same lame excuse he'd given her, not remembering that he'd told her he and Mr. White had killed two guys. "There's a hole in the bathroom floor upstairs, I have all the stuff but I'd really appreciate the help fixing it," she said looking at the two men as sweetly as she could – widening her eyes and pouting slightly, Badger was already nodding.

"Man, I thought we were getting pizza," Pete whined.

Badger stood and slapped him on the shoulder. "She's good for it, yo. We'll get it when we're done," Badger told him.

"Come on," she said beckoning Pete into the hall. "I'll give you both a big kiss to say thank you," she offered making Pete move faster.

Badger shook his head as he followed her up the stairs, pausing to look up at the hole. "When she says kiss you're not thinkin' of your mom, but you will," he promised Pete, who only shrugged.

But he was right, after a few hours they finally came downstairs covered in caulk and wood splinters, the hole patched up, and Pete watched as Julie grabbed Badger's chin and pressed a kiss to his cheek – there wasn't anything sexy about it as he'd been thinking.

"Aw," Badger hummed before hugging her tightly. "I'm so glad you're back."

She patted his shoulder gently not correcting him on her not entirely being back, she wasn't planning on staying – at least she hadn't been before, now she was waiting for Jesse to tell her whether or not he wanted her to; and she wondered that when he did ask her to stay if she'd even consider saying no before she told him yes. "And Pete," she said turning to him.

He ducked his head as he stepped closer, smiling as she kissed his cheek – he didn't think even his own mother had been so sweet. "It ain't a problem," he mumbled shrugging.

She looked at them both, one smiling happily the other nearly blushing. "You guys are sweet," she told them before making her way into the living room and turning to Jesse. "Make sure you thank them."

"K, mom. Ow." He rubbed the back of his head looking up at her offended. "Yo, thanks for helpin' my sister. She greatly appreciates it." With a smug grin he stared at Julie waiting for to hand to rest on her hip irritated or for her to say something or to hit him again; but she did none of that. Instead she pressed a soft kiss to his temple before grabbing her purse to pay the delivery guy who was walking up the driveway. "Hey Jules," Jesse called before pointing at his wallet, not even trying to stand up when breathing hurt. "I got it."

…

_A few days later_

Julie shut the door to Jesse's car with a kick as she carried the bag of fried chicken from Los Pollos to the RV. "Hey Mr. White," she said unsurely when she saw him step out of the van.

"Oh, hey Julie," he said wondering how he was supposed to explain his being there. "I was just checking on him, to see how he was. It was a terrible thing what happened to him," he said quickly trying to leave before she could ask anything, he really didn't have an answer.

"Do you remember teaching me?"

He turned back to her confused by the question, not knowing what she was aiming for. "Yeah, you were a great student; one of my favorites," he admitted, leaving out her sudden drop in attendance and performance when April came around; because until spring she really was a great student. He'd always been able to count on calling her for the right answer when no one else spoke up in class.

She nodded as she stepped closer to where he'd stopped, setting the bag on the hood of Jesse's car. "Then you know I'm not stupid," she said seeing the wariness in his eyes. "Look, he's been cooking and dealing since high school. I'm not in the habit of ratting my brother out, if you're working with him then it goes for you too. You have nothing to worry about from me," she assured him hoping to put him enough at ease so she could ask what she really wanted.

But he was a nervous man, at least he was then because he didn't know her well enough to trust her to keep this a secret. "That's good to know," he said before turning away again, wanting to leave so he could think about what to do with her.

"Emilio," she said watching him come to a rigid halt in the middle of the driveway. "Krazy 8." She waited for him to say something, maybe even to walk away without admitting anything – he stood with his back to her, his heart racing, his breathing shortening. And then he turned suddenly and walked back to where she stood, staring down at her with panicked eyes.

Through clenched teeth he asked; "how much do you know?"

She shrugged feigning nonchalance as she looked away from him; his eyes were making her nervous, as though she could read in them how close he was to grabbing her and shaking her. "Jesse was high on pain pills, said they were haunting the house cause you killed them. I don't think he remembers telling me." She turned back to him to find him still staring intently at her waiting to see if she was a threat to him. "Hydroflouric Acid?"

Walt stared down at her young face wondering how she could've possibly known that caused the erosion on the bathroom floor. And then he remembered. "You remember me teaching that?" he asked surprised she had – he'd only talked about it briefly in the advanced class, it wouldn't have even been on the test.

She nodded raising a shoulder offhandedly. "I mean chemistry's not my thing but you made it interesting, you were always so excited about what you were teaching," she told him lighting a cigarette. "You had a way of seeing it in everything." She took a long drag before releasing it in one big stream of smoke. "I wanted that. I wanted to be excited about… anything. I wanted to see something in everything." Another sharp inhale and a long exhale before she turned to him. "You made it worth getting up in the morning sometimes."

He stared at her almost mesmerized by depth of what she said; it'd been that way when she was his student as well. One moment she was a normal quiet teenager and the next he felt as though she'd lived longer than he had – lived a long weary life that drained her, leaving her to speak such tired aching words. "But you didn't come in a lot of days," he said watching her nod, tilting his head away from the smoke.

"Yeah well, some days I just didn't wanna be there."

"In school?" He'd always assumed she was with Jesse getting high, her brother certainly hadn't taken school seriously.

She crushed the butt under her shoe and looked up at him. "In general, I guess," she admitted seeing him pondering what she was saying. "Look at you, you're all relaxed now."

He didn't realize it until she mentioned it but he was relaxed; she'd completely eased his panic into calm without him noticing. With an uncomfortable laugh he said, "I guess I am."

"So are you good, then? Can I ask you a question without you freaking out?" she asked waiting for him to nod and say it was okay before she continued. "Should I be worried? About him?" she added tilting her head toward the RV where Jesse was. "My boss gave me two weeks to see to him and then I'm due back. What I'm asking is: is he gonna need me to stay longer?"

Walt didn't know what to tell her, after talking to Jesse he realized he might've made a mistake making a deal with Tuco. Looking at the young woman standing in front of him he could see in her eyes she'd spent many years waiting for a call that said her brother had overdosed or been killed – no wonder she was so tired. "I honestly don't know," he said wishing he had an answer to give her.

It's what she'd been thinking since she stood in the hall and looked up to see the ceiling of the bathroom above her – whatever they were doing, whatever Mr. White was using her brother to try to accomplish, it had the potential to get them both killed. So how was she supposed to just go back and leave her brother alone – cause god knew their parents wouldn't be there for him. "I'm guessing I'll see you around," she said with a sigh before turning and grabbing the bag. "I like the shaved head, it looks good on you."

"Thanks," he said reaching a hand up to feel smooth skin where hair once had been. "Those things will kill you, you know."

She turned back to him before following his finger to the cigarette she'd stomped out. Her smile was strange, unsettling – too twisted for her pretty face; it wasn't a smile of amusement or even anger. It was bitter, defeated. "That's kind of the point," she told him before climbing into the RV, leaving him standing alone in the driveway staring at the spot she'd once stood.

* * *

**_Thanks so much to those of you who favorited/followed the story already, it means a lot that you did. I'm hoping to be at the end of season two next chapter and introducing Gus in the story, and possibly to her as well. As for the characters, please let me know if anyone is out of character - I've never really written a drug addict before, I also don't think I've ever written anyone quite as sad as Julie is. And what is wrong with her is going to be explained next chapter, although I've left quite a few big hints as to what it is. Anyways, any feedback would be greatly appreciated, I personally love hearing whether or not things are working in the story. I hope you're all still enjoying enough to want more. Thanks for reading!_**


	3. Chapter 3

_1x07_

Julie walked into the house carrying an armful of groceries. "Are you staying for dinner, Mr. White?" she called as she pushed the door closed with a foot.

"Uh, yeah I guess I am," he said realizing of course he would be since his wife thought he was in a sweat lodge.

She set the bags down away from the etch-a-sketch boards, seeing the bag of sand Mr. White had collected – he'd taught her about Thermite, though the word was lost on her then. And she remembered enough to realize they were gonna try to steal the methylamine themselves. "I would like to not be apart of this," she said motioning to their mess on the counter as she unpacked the groceries she'd bought to feed them for the weekend. "All meth related stuff," she clarified. "Now, I'm gonna go out to the RV and call my boss, do you want me to start dinner now or after you get back?" she asked looking at Walt for an answer; even then, at the very beginning of it all, she knew he was the one in charge.

He looked at Jesse and shrugged. "We can pick something up, you don't have to go through the trouble of cooking us anything."

"Yo," Jesse exclaimed standing behind her, "you can pick something up, I'm having spaghetti and meatballs. She makes _the_ best meatballs, Mr. White. I'm tellin' you."

Julie smiled elbowing him. "They are pretty good, if may say so myself. I guess dinner's gonna be at six," she told Mr. White before leaving the kitchen.

Walt craned his neck to watch as she went out the front door. "Where does she work?" he asked Jesse offhandedly.

Jesse shrugged as he opened a bag of chip she'd bought. "She's a bookkeeper at this company in Washington. She's calling her boss to ask if she can stay longer, cause she can work from her computer."

"Are you planning to ask her to come back?" It'd be easier if she went back home, it was one less person he had to worry about staying quiet – but he wondered if maybe having her around would make Jesse less inclined to be high.

Jesse shrugged again, a habit he had when speaking of speaking to other people. "She's cool with the idea of staying now cause it ain't summer, but she'll wanna go back as soon as it's April."

That was familiar territory for Walt's thoughts when it came to Julie. "I noticed that. She'd suddenly start missing school, she didn't care to answer questions – half the answers on her tests were left blank. But only at the end of the school year."

Jesse nodded knowing what Mr. White was talking about. "Yeah she went to a doctor a few years ago, before she moved away. He said she had uh, SAD. I don't remember what that stands for."

"Seasonal Affective Disorder," Walt said as he thought; it explained everything he'd wondered about her. "A change in your serotonin and melatonin is the cause for winter depression, but there hasn't been a biological reason found yet for why some people are affected by the summer." It was something Marie had said some time ago– she'd read it from a pamphlet at her office. "Did her doctor have any theories as to what causes it?"

Jesse shrugged not really knowing what all to say; he'd never talked to anyone about this, except for Julie but she didn't like talking about it. "She saw a psychiatrist for about three months, Julie hated it – I mean it was the middle of August, she kind of hates everything then," he laughed, not even sure if it was funny. "The lady thinks something happened to cause it, like a trauma, and now her brain makes her think summer's bad."

Walt nodded wondering how hard that must be; if his thinking was right she could barely function – it made sense then why her finals were always incomplete; she hadn't cared anymore. And looking at Jesse who stood fiddling with his hands Walt knew it was hard on him too, enough that he didn't want to talk about it. "You've been, doing drugs for a while now," he said drastically changing the conversation, steering it toward what he'd really wanted to know.

"Yeah?" Jesse asked suspiciously, not knowing what he was getting at. "So what?"

Walt shrugged as he fidgeted with the bag of Thermite, feigning nonchalance. "Has Julie ever spoken to anyone about it?"

He stared at Mr. White confused before he understood; if he was a cartoon a light would've shone above his head. "You wanna know if she's gonna spill your secret?" Jesse asked, a cheeky smile split on his face before he raised a shoulder. "Nah, she's totally good about it," he laughed at the memory that came to him. "If my parents went by what she said, I've never been in the same room as drugs."

It was enough to make Walt somewhat relieved at hearing it; he could at least check that box off his never ending list of worries.

…

_2x01_

Julie looked up when the front door was thrown open and slammed to find her brother wide eyed and shaking in shock. "What happened?" she asked suddenly worried that the drug dealer was outside – from what Jesse had told her, Tuco was crazy. "Jesse?"

"You can't stay here," he said looking at her for the first time since he'd walked in – there was so much fear in his crazed eyes that her blood ran cold. "I called mom and told her you're visiting, she's gonna pick you up. But you gotta stay there, okay you can't be here."

"Jesse," she said trying to make him stop so he'd tell her why she had to go. "What's going on, tell me what happened."

"You can't be here. If he finds out about you. Oh, God," he cut off as he thought of the sick twisted things Tuco would do to her before he killed her.

She stood still for a moment trying to keep herself calm, but staring her terrified brother in the face made that very difficult. "Is he gonna come after you?" Her heart nearly stopped when Jesse laughed, seeing tears wellin in his eyes – he was scaring her. She'd never seen him so afraid, she didn't know what to do. "Is he gonna kill you?"

He shrugged running a hand through his hair. "He killed one of his guys," he told her, "right in front of us. And he just, he just hit him over and over again. He killed the guy with his bare hands. So yeah, he's gonna kill us." He paced back and forth as he thought of what he was supposed to do; he couldn't leave, not without Tuco tracking him down. There was only one thing they could do, they had to kill him – if they didn't then Tuco would kill them. He turned back to his sister, his panic lessening as he formed a plan in his mind. "Hey," he said seeing the tears in her eyes, "I didn't mean to. Shit, Julie."

She stared up at him feeling fear begin to wrap around her spine as her body started to quiver. "What the fuck did you get yourself into?" she asked, her voice barely making a sound.

"I don't know," he said pitifully before wrapping his arms around her narrow shoulders. "We're gonna be okay," he told her. "I'm gonna fix this, alright."

The sound of a car pulling up had them both turning to the window to see their mom's old car. She stood still as Jesse released her and grabbed the bag she'd come with. "You'll call every night at eight and tell me you're fine until this is over," she said. "And if you don't,"

"You can't go to the cops," he told her.

She nodded already knowing that; even if he was in trouble and the cops saved him he'd probably end up in prison. With a steadying breath she kissed his cheek before taking the bag and walking out of the house, wearing a false smile as she greeted her mother.

…

The next two days were torture. Spending the day with her mother talking about how great life has been, seeing her little brother, smiling at the dinner table and asking about her dad's day and pretending to care – and all the while, through all the smiles and the cheer, she sat with her stomach twisted in knots waiting for eight to come around. And she wilted onto the bed sighing in relief when the phone rang, and she answered with a fake voice pretending like she hadn't spent the entire day worried he was dead. Then they hung up, and she'd try to go to sleep, and then she woke up and did it all over again.

And then he didn't call. She'd stayed up the whole night sitting with the phone in hand beside her window until the sun rose, but it never rang. Her parents hadn't noticed it that first day, they didn't really notice it the second day either – it wasn't until the DEA knocked at their front door that they realized their daughter was only pretending to be fine, that even her fake smile shivered on her mouth. And then her mother had gone to check on Jesse; Julie was in the living room with her father when her mother got back – knowing what she'd found in the basement.

…

_2x03_

"Hey," she answered uncomfortably; sitting with the phone in the middle of the table on speaker.

"You're not gonna believe what fucking happened," Jesse told her. "I'll explain it later, but everything's good, it's over."

"Jesse," she said trying to interrupt him.

But he was distracted as he noticed the officers sitting outside of his house. "Shit," he muttered. "Don't come over there's cops watching the house. I gotta go, alright I'll call later."

"Wait Jesse," she said trying to tell him there wouldn't be a later. But her father grabbed the phone off the table and ended the call before she got the chance. She listened with a sinking heart to the tune of the phone shutting down as she laid her head on the table. "You didn't let me say goodbye."

Her parents stared at her sadly, her mother near tears and her father stern. "We all know he'd come get you, and you know I won't allow that," he told her without sympathy.

"Sweetheart don't you see what he's doing to you?" her mother asked, heart broken at giving up on her son. "You have a job, you have an apartment. Your life is in Washington, not here."

Julie ran a hand through her messy hair laughing bitterly. "Since when the fuck do you care?"

"Hey," her father yelled slamming his hand on the table. "You don't speak to your mother that way."

She looked at him bewildered by his anger. "Are you two actually serious?" she asked them. "You're really gonna pretend like you're concerned for my wellbeing? Do you have any idea the amount of bullshit that is?"

"Julie Elizabeth," her mother exclaimed grief-stricken at hearing that her daughter didn't believe they cared for her. "We both love you, so much."

Her laugh sounded manic to her own ears, but it was honestly all too much for her to do anything but laugh. "How old was I when you realized something was wrong with me?" she asked looking between her father and mother. "I'm serious, how old was I?"

"We began noticing a change in your behavior when the weather got warmer when you were eighteen," her mother answered after looking at her husband briefly.

Julie could see in her mother's eyes she really believed that, and Julie didn't know whether to laugh in their faces at being proven right, or if she just wanted to cry; and so she settled for rage. "That's when Jesse moved out," she said. "And you, finally, saw how screwed up your daughter was. I was twelve," she said before they could interject their useless failings. "The traumatic event that made it so when the sun's too hot I want to die, I was twelve." She sat with her hands flinching into fists wanting to scream at them. "So let me ask you again," she said, her lips twitching over her bared teeth. "Since when, the fuck, do you care?"

The silence was heavy in the dining room between the three of them, a silence so thick it could almost be seen between them – as daughter stared infuriated at helpless parents.

"We care," Adam told his daughter. "You might not have seen it then, but you will see it now. You know what'll happen if you walk out that door, and I hope you understand we are separating you from him because we love you very much."

Julie stared blankly at her father, caught between desperation for him to hold her and a need to punch him repeatedly in the face. "I'm gonna take a bath," she said standing.

Numbly she moved through the house, remembering all the years she'd spent there miserable – happiness so foreign to her it would nearly bring her to her knees when she felt it. She filled up the tub where she'd first tried to kill herself when she was thirteen; she'd laid her head under the water and convinced herself it was okay if it hurt for a little bit, she wouldn't have to feel anything ever again when it was over. But Jesse had pulled her out; it was always Jesse that saw her. And her parents were convinced keeping her away from him would do her good, as if she even knew what life was without him.

She didn't bother taking off her clothes as she stepped in the water and sat down; she couldn't think anymore, her brain was physically buzzing in her skull driving her insane. And so she laid under the water and screamed, and screamed. When water filled her mouth and flooded her nose, leaving her chest burning as it took the place of air – she kept screaming.

…

_2x05_

"You already kicked me out of my fucking house what else do you want from me?" Jesse answered when he saw the number calling him.

It was quiet for several moments before a voice finally answered. "It's me."

"Julie?" Jesse asked confused. "I've been calling you for two weeks. I thought you left."

She looked out of the window to see the driveway was still clear – it was the second time she'd been left alone, she didn't know how much time she had. "I'm by myself, can you come by?"

Julie met him outside on the walkway not wanting Jake to know she was seeing. "I don't have much time," she told him before shoving a newspaper in his hand. "I circled the places I thought would take cash without asking too many questions."

Jesse looked down at the paper to see she'd circled ads for tenants. "What is this?" he asked her.

She shrugged not knowing what was confusing about it. "You need a place to stay, those are some good options for you."

"No," he said shaking his head, glad to see her since he hadn't known where she was, but pissed at her all the same, "what is this?" He motioned between them. "Your phone's been off, I needed you. Where the fuck have you been?"

She stared at him taken aback by his anger, not understanding why he was upset with her. "I've been here," she yelled. "They gave me three options; one go back to Washington, two I can leave when you somehow find a place of your own, and three's if I leave before you get your shit together and find somewhere to live they're gonna have put me in the psych ward. Do you have any idea how long a complete evaluation would take with my history of depression and self harm – it could take days, maybe over a week before they decide I'm stable enough to live without supervision. And god forbid if I failed it. So that's where the fuck I've been," she answered; her voice having risen in volume the more words that'd tumbled out until she'd cut off nearly shrieking. She brushed the hair out of her face as she tried to steady her short breaths. "Here are some places I think would take you, please check them out."

Jesse nodded guilty for being the reason their parents had locked her in the house, and that he'd assumed the worst from her. "So why didn't you leave?" he asked. He would've.

Her laugh was little more than a whimper as she looked at the sky, wishing she could just float away and never come back down. "I almost did. I had all of my information filled in for the plane ticket all I had to do was click the button to confirm it," she shrugged helplessly, "And I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"Have you ever loved something so much that it becomes part of you, and you can't be you without it? And it feels so good you think you're happy, but everyone around you can see it's ruining you?" she asked nearly shaking as she tried to explain herself; and he nodded, because he did – because she was talking about him using drugs. "You have responsibilities but you can't focus on anything but that thing, and no matter how many times people keep telling you that it's bad for you you just don't know how to give it up? Then at some point it's out of your life, and it's hard at first but you get used to it. And then you feel free, for the first time." Her eyes were wide as she looked at him, she looked like she should be in the psych ward – she sounded like it too. "But then it comes back and you realize that you'd been slowly suffocating but now that it's back you can breathe again. Have you ever felt that?"

That wasn't at all what he'd been expecting – even though he knew exactly what she was talking about. It was full blown addiction, at it's purest. But he didn't know how she could know those feelings, she hated the effects of drugs. Her answer broke his heart, because she wasn't talking about a drug.

"I couldn't leave you," she whispered, staring up at him horribly lost. "Tell me to leave. I'll go if you tell me to, I won't be able to make myself unless you tell me to."

He should tell her to go, and he should never ask her to come back. But he was selfish, and he needed her. "Don't leave me," he begged, seeing the tears swell and overfill in her eyes. Her sobs were broken and gut-wrenching, shaking his whole body as he held her. He didn't know how to let her go any better than she knew how to leave. He didn't know he was sealing her fate.


	4. Chapter 4

_2x05_

Julie folded the clothes she'd brought with her, the ones she hadn't bothered picking up off her brother's floor even though she knew her mother hated the mess. Her old room had been repainted and used as an office for her father – she understood why they had, she'd moved out of state and hadn't come back in three years. But Jesse had moved out first, a few years before she'd left, but his was the room they'd kept.

"Honey, what exactly are you doing?" her mother asked standing in the doorway, having followed her around the house as Julie gathered the few things she'd left and was taking with her – as if she knew somewhere in the back of her mind she wasn't coming back.

She stuffed the last of the shirts in her bag and turned to her mother. "Jesse found a place to live, I'm leaving," she said shrugging having thought it was obvious.

But her mother shook her head. "Are you really going to stay?" she asked her daughter, trailing after her down the stairs. "What happens when it's summer, the weather's not bad now but you know what'll happen when it starts getting warmer?"

"I'll drown in it," was her short response; hoping by then to have convinced her brother to run away with her – maybe Mr. White would be dead by then, since he apparently sucked her brother back into cooking. Her feet stilled when she saw her father standing at the front door. "You called dad?" she asked turning to her mother, who could only shake her head not knowing what to do.

"Julie," he said calmly, "we discussed this."

She shouldered her bag impatiently, her mind already made up. "Yeah, I don't leave until Jesse finds a place. He found one," she said seeing him sigh. "It doesn't matter if I helped him, he's paying for his own place like you said he had to."

"He's gonna ruin you," he told his daughter, having noticed how attached she was to her brother after she'd moved in with him when she turned eighteen.

Her brows were furrowed in confused offense. "Because I'm not already?" she asked rhetorically. "Look, I'm staying with him til I can move my stuff down here then I'm getting an apartment; I've already cleared this with my boss." She knew they'd keep talking, would circle around and around hoping to make her stay – to come up with some other ultimatum to force her to. And so she moved past her father and opened the door, seeing Jesse's car idling by the curb.

But her father left her with a choice she hadn't expected. "If you walk out that door you don't come back."

"Adam."

He paid no mind to his wife's gasp as he stared at Julie, seeing on her shocked face she knew he was serious. "No matter if he gets hurt, or you get hurt. Make the right choice, Julie."

She held up her hands in mock surrender, stepping over the doorway and onto front step. "Don't ask me to choose between you and him," she warned looking first at her father and then at her mother. "I'll always choose him."

Jesse watched her walk across the lawn to his car, hearing his mother calling after her – hearing her crying. "What happened?" he asked when she climbed in beside him.

She shrugged not looking back as they drove away, her mother screaming her name as her father held her back – how many times Julie had thought of running away, having done it once only to come back. It wasn't the relief she thought it'd be; she hadn't thought it would hurt. "He said I can't come back," she answered shocking Jesse.

He didn't know what to say – they'd both been cast out, only she hadn't done anything but have his back. It was silent for several blocks as Jesse thought of something, of how to tell her he was sorry because it really was his fault. "You gonna be okay?" he asked finally, turning to her briefly to see her staring at her lap unhappily.

"Yeah I'll be fine," she told him softly, "just not today."

Jesse's eyes flicked to his sister again, watching her light a cigarette before he turned back to the road. "You wanna stop at that chicken place you like?" he asked, searching for anything that might make her feel better.

"Los Pollos?" she asked with an exhale of smoke, seeing him nod. "Yeah," she answered before taking another drag. She loved their fried chicken, and they had this spicy sauce she'd lick off her fingers; the owner, a black Hispanic man, had let her sit at one of the tables and study when she'd come in – she couldn't even remember what he'd looked like, only that he'd been nice and every once in a while he'd stop and ask about what she was studying. All she could remember of him was his glasses, and his smile - he was hiding something behind that smile. It was a feeling she'd never understood, but years later when she couldn't even remember his face, she still remembered the feeling that there was something hiding beneath his skin.

…

"You're sure you can afford this?" Julie asked holding an envelope with two thousand dollars in it, none too happy to be taking Jesse's money.

He smiled kissing her cheek, hearing over the intercom a woman calling out a flight number that was boarding. "I could've paid for a moving company if you'd let me," he said, though he knew how stubborn she was.

And he was right. "The guy I called said since it was such short notice they'd probably ask for over six grand, there's no way in hell I'd consider making you pay that," she told him.

"Look," he said placing a hand on either of her shoulders as he stared down at her, "I'm good for however much it costs to get you down here."

Her smile was coy as she looked up at him. "You could always come with me, it'd knock off a hundred bucks to not pay for movers." She knew he'd say no, him and Mr. White were busy cooking – something she wasn't entirely happy about, after Tuco Jesse had almost given it up until Mr. White came back asking to start up again. "I don't know how long it'll take, I still have to meet with my boss and ask if it's even okay that I work through tax season down here before looking for another job. And then it's at least gonna be five hundred to rent the trailer and who knows how much in gas to drive the fifteen hundred miles down here, towing a trailer. I mean Jesus, I don't remember it being this expensive when I moved up there."

"Calm down," Jesse laughed before pulling her against his chest and holding her tight. "Just hurry up and pack your shit and come back."

She allowed herself to chuckle lightly wondering if it was a good idea to be coming back – it'd taken her so long to get away before, she wondered if she'd ever leave again. "Alright, I'll stop worrying. Just don't find yourself stranded while I'm gone – you don't know anyone who can follow directions enough to save your ass." She laughed at the face he made, both of them knowing she was right. With a sigh she hugged him again before stepping into the line for security, turning back once to wave to see him standing with his hands in his pockets wanting to call her back.

…

_2x06_

Julie had barely unlocked the door to her apartment after dinner before her phone rang. "Hello?" she answered wondering what her brother wanted, she hadn't even been gone two days.

"Hey," he said quietly after a moment.

That quiet sigh of a breath was all she needed to know something was wrong – and she hadn't been gone but two days. "What happened?" she asked, waving to her roommate before going to her room. She stepped around the boxes and the mess on the floor to sit on her bed as she waited for him to answer, hearing him sniff.

"These two fucking addicts ripped off Skinny Pete, so Mr. White told me to handle it."

"What do you mean handle it?" she asked wishing she hadn't left yet – there wasn't much she could actually do for him. But even if she were there all he'd do is lay his head on her chest and ask her to sing. "He didn't tell you to kill them," she said unable to believe it – but the sound of Jesse crying left her sitting in shock at realizing it was. There was something wrong with Mr. White, he wasn't the same man who'd taught her chemistry – something had happened, had snapped inside of him; to have actually resulted to murder. "What happened then?" she asked, skating around asking him outright if he killed anyone.

After years of keeping his illegal secrets she was good at getting him to tell her the truth; she waited however long it took for him to speak, offered no judgment in her face or the tone of her voice – she simply listened, and loved him. "He called her a skank, that's it. And she killed him. She killed him for calling her a fucking skank."

She sat listening to his bitter laughter, knowing he was probably crying again – she knew it especially when he told her there'd been a kid. And then they both sat silently staring at the ceiling listening to the sound of their breathing. "The world itself is a bad dream."

Jesse paused at that - it was what he'd been thinking, that everything lately was just one long dream he couldn't wake up from. "Is that from the woman you're always reading?"

"Sylvia Plath," she said giving him the name he never remembered. "Thought you might like it."

Despite himself he smiled; he always did when she quoted something that had stuck in her head – that or he sat confused because he hadn't understood it, which was often. She'd done it for years, saying sometimes it was easier to admit her feelings with someone else's words. "Yeah," he told her. _The world itself is a bad dream._ It was very much something she'd say, having stopped seeing the good in the world a long time ago. "Give me another one," he said hearing the breath of her smile.

"Okay," she agreed reaching for the table beside her bed for the book that had become an extension of herself – written by a woman whose words she devoured as though they were holy. "The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know I had fallen and could fall no further."

They stayed up long into the night, sighing heavily as they lay with a phone pressed to their ear – his other hand curled beneath his head, her other hand holding a book of poetry – The Bell Jar lying half open beside her, forgotten. Jesse laid with his eyes closed listening to her gentle voice lilt over words he didn't understand, letting her soothe him into numb haze.

He was laying on the shore, the static in the phone the wind ruffling his hair, her voice the crashing waves breaking over him sinking him further into the sand – and then she fell asleep and her silence engulfed him. She left him to drown.

…

_2x12_

Moving back to Albuquerque seemed to take far longer than the time it'd taken her to move away; as if even the universe was trying to separate her from Jesse. Her boss reluctantly agreed, giving his sympathies to her when she explained Jesse's addiction. "Our parents have officially given up on him and I'm afraid if I'm not there for him then I'll lose him forever." She'd really been talking about his cooking, maybe her subconscious had been talking of him and Mr. White – whom Jesse couldn't seem to get away from, not when Mr. White kept coming back asking for more.

And what choice had her boss really had, especially when she'd given him more than two weeks notice as well as offering to stay on until after tax season – which is when he needed her. "It'll be a shame to lose you," he told her shaking her hand amiably.

That should've been it, that'd been then the plan – get his agreement to her working in Albuquerque til the end of April, which she'd gotten, and then move to Albuquerque. But one thing after another lengthened her weeks in Washington; her hard drive had crashed, leaving her to buy a new computer and have all of her files loaded onto it, as well as the program they used. And then there was the preparing for her to work without being in the office; she had a boxful of different forms and papers, and written files and previous records from their clients, receipts and other miscellaneous papers. And then Mr. White had called her that first time.

"You need to call Jesse and keep him in line," Walt had told her without asking how she'd been, or even where she was. He'd convinced himself that she would keep Jesse going in the right direction, drill some sense into his thick head because he didn't listen to anyone else. He saw it as her being as much at fault as Jesse was. "I missed the birth of my daughter because your brother was too busy doing Diacetylmorphine with his girlfriend," he yelled before she'd responded to his first demand.

She sat at her desk wondering what he was talking about. "What's Diacetylmorphine?"

"Heroin," he exclaimed, "he was doing heroin. You need to talk to him because I am done, I am done with him." He waited for whatever excuse she'd give, that he wasn't an addict and could get his act together, that it was only that one time; but he looked down at his watch after several moments seeing she hadn't said a word in two minutes. "Julie?"

The sound of her name broke her out of the blind daze she'd been stuck in, and she was left reeling. "Are you sure that's what it was?"

He paused at the sound of her soft voice, hearing the pleading so thick in her voice even over the phone. That was when he realized he'd made a mistake. "Yes I'm sure," he said quieter than his previous enraged yelling. "Julie, did you know that he," he trailed off not knowing how to say it; he could clearly picture her sad face in his mind.

"I mean I know he does meth, but heroin?" she asked finding herself stuck on it – meth was as far as he'd gone, as far as he'd told her at least. She had thought maybe there was a chance to get him off drugs completely, that maybe he'd move away with her; but she couldn't see that anymore. "I'm in Bellingham, I can't do anything," she told him helplessly. Now wondering if she should actually go back. She hadn't realized it before, she'd been too busy with work, but Jesse hadn't called in two weeks. "Maybe you should just be done with him," she said numbly, her mind too far behind her mouth to realize what she was saying. "I have to go, Mr. White. I'm sorry you missed your daughter's birth."

Walt held the phone to his ear flinching when he heard the dial tone; she'd sounded so young, her already sweet breathy voice made even younger by her confused despair. He'd never once thought about her – when he'd found Jesse and his girlfriend unconscious, before he'd called – he hadn't given any thought to how this would hurt her. He wondered if Jesse did, if anyone thought about her. A bad taste was left in his mouth as he put his phone in his pocket, realizing the answer to that was most likely no.

…

_2x13_

In the weeks that followed Julie still hadn't moved; her stuff was all packed, the frame to her bed was taken apart and her mattress was on the floor – all she had to do was call U-haul and order a trailer, she could leave over the weekend. But she didn't.

She'd called Jesse once and had barely asked what he was doing before he'd yelled at her for judging her and hanging up, leaving her with a bitterly painful fuck you. He'd called back of course, an hour later and then later that night and then the next day and the next until he'd given up; she didn't answer.

She didn't know what to do anymore. Now that she was away from Jesse she was thinking clearer, seeing the err in her returning to New Mexico – she'd be miserable. And they'd never leave because his life was drugs, and he never chose her.

But then Walt called again, and the choice was made for her.

Without a hello she answered: "He's not dead is he?"

"What?" Walt asked her startled, still staggering from watching Jane die without doing anything to stop it. "Of course not."

Her sigh was forceful and heavy as she sat back relaxing slightly; the first thing she'd thought of at the sight of Walt's number was that Jesse was dead. She always thought that when someone called, but seeing Mr. White's number specifically had made her blood run cold. "That's good to hear I guess," she said. "How is he?"

"I'm not," he paused as he thought of a way to explain what'd happened. "I'm not really sure," he answered finally, knowing from her extreme silence that she was listening intently to every word he was saying. "Jane died. She overdosed, he found her when he woke up. I uh, I took him to him to a rehab center, it's completely paid for and I think it will do him some good."

Julie sat thinking of her brother, too lost in her thoughts to notice the simple way he'd explained it – Walt wasn't a simple man, he beat you down with explanations. But she was lost in her brother. "He'll be taken care of?" she asked concerned he'd try to hurt himself; whether or not through overdosing himself.

"Yes, it's a high-end facility, really one of the best; I could read you the pamphlet if you'd like," he said trying to give her something lighter than what he was telling her. "But, I do think he'll need you when he gets out," he told her, the reason why he'd called.

She nodded as she stood from her desk, shoving her computer and the files she'd been working on in her bag before heading for the stairs. "It'll take me maybe a week to get all my stuff actually ready to go and for me to drive down there, and then I'll need to find an apartment. Ho-how much does this facility cost?" she asked, knowing Jesse hadn't been cooking from Walt's last call.

He almost smiled, everything he needed to know about her was in what she'd just said; she was talking about moving, immediately, and yet she was thinking of her brother. "It's no trouble," he assured her. "Do you have enough money to get yourself down here?" he asked wondering if either her or Jesse had thought that far ahead – it wouldn't surprise him if they hadn't.

"Yeah," she said walking briskly to her car. "He gave me about a thousand dollars more than I'd need; I'll have more than enough left over to find a place. You're sure he's being taken care of?"

"Julie," he said firmly, "take a deep breath."

She did as he told her, feeling her heart hammering in her chest from how short her breaths were. "I'm okay," she told him softly when she calmed herself.

He nodded before continuing. "Jesse's fine. He's being cared for, monitored, he'll have a counselor to help him talk about what happened. This will good for him."

She knew he was right, in light of everything that happened with Jane, Jesse would finally be completely clean. It'd been a long time since he had been; and she was hoping, praying, that she might get her brother back.

* * *

**_That was the end of season two, and now I can finally say that Gus will be in next chapter - no maybe's about it. I mean if you squint, he was mentioned in this chapter. But he will actually be in next chapter, with dialogue - and Mike probably will as well._**


End file.
